Why am I so depressed?
So today I really wanted to record a vlog talking about my personal battle with Depression but currently I don’t feel I have the strength within myself to actually talk about it vocally… Though I am getting closer.
With that in mind I thought about blogging it instead as it enables me to control my emotions better (sounds odd, but it’s true for me) so… here it is!
My depression began when I was consistently bullied throughout my childhood for reasons unknown to myself, other children calling me vile names, threatening me, physically attacking me, issuing death threats towards me and urging me to end my life to save them doing it for me.
I didn’t know what to do or where to turn, when I spoke to teachers the effects worsened as now I was labeled a grass for reporting them and with that even more insults with even more people joining in.
Eventually when I suddenly got to the stage where I did consider ending my life I reached out one last time and this time it was to my rock, my idol… My Nan.
She told me that bullies only pick on others to hide their own problems, their own faults and flaws as well as showing a false “tough guy” exterior perhaps to prevent others from attacking them.
Understanding this made me realize that even though I’m not perfect, neither are they and if attacking me made them feel better… I’d be that punch bag, I’d allow them to insult me.
This continued until about 2001 when one early morning our house was woken by family and we learned that my Nan who was taken to hospital previously had passed away, now I had to deal with even more insults, threats and attacks but this time I felt as though I was alone.
A few months later after dealing with all of the bullying I had a breakdown and started to have suicidal thoughts and to date, attempted to act on those thoughts on four separate occasions but these were prevented by strangers… People that didn’t even know me, or even know what I was going through.
The effects of everything I went through have left a scar that seems will never heal, I’ve lost all self belief in myself, I have no confidence, I try NOT to leave my house alone in fear of anyone attacking me and if I’m honest even though I have so many plans for my future I guess I’m just waiting for it all to crash and fail.
My message to anyone reading this that may have bullied, or still does…
Society today isn’t what it could or should be but happiness can be found without taking it away from someone else, insulting others because of looks, size, religion or anything else is wrong.
Instead of insulting or bullying someone, why not support them? who knows, that person could turn out to be a lifelong friend…
Until next time, thanks for reading and I promise some happier blogs are coming so until then… Take care and I’ll speak to you all again soon!